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Forum Friday: Adoption

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So this is a topic I’ve been curious about.  I don’t really have many of my own opinions, mostly because I’ve been fortunate enough to have children naturally without issues.  So I’m not trying to offend anyone, I’m just curious.

I know someone who can’t have kids but her husband is not comfortable with adoption because he worries that he won’t be able to love the child like he would if it were naturally his.  When I first heard this, I was pretty shocked.  “Of course you would love that baby like your own!”  I thought.  But I let my mind explore the idea from his point of view and tried to imagine being an adoptive parent.  Would it be hard to love that baby as your own?

I still don’t think so.  But it might be difficult to get used to.  However, that being said, I have to admit this:

When Lukey was born, I didn’t have that same instant bond with him as I did with Will.  It makes me sad to think that, but I think it was more that I just didn’t know him yet.  As I spent day after day taking care of him, playing with him, and snuggling with him, I grew to love that boy more than humanly possible.  It helps that he has the world’s cutest personality and was laughing out loud when he was 3 months old.

But I think that adoption could be like that.  Maybe you don’t feel an instant bond to your baby, but I honestly can’t picture a scenario where a parent DOESN’T fall in love with her baby after spending time with him/her.  And maybe you cherish your baby that much more intensely because it was a much more difficult road to get to him/her.  Did you struggle to form a connection with your adopted child?  If you adopted an older child, how did you connect with him/her?

On the flip side, it seems like TV has portrayed a lot of instances where the birth parent opting to adopt decides to keep the baby at the last second.  Has this ever happened to you, as an adoptive parent?  I can’t imagine a more nerve racking moment…waiting for that baby to come but then not really being able to be sure that you will, in fact, be taking that baby home.  What would you do if your birth parent decided to keep the baby?  How would you deal with it emotionally?

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts, especially if you have personally adopted a baby or are close to someone who has.

 

30 Comments

  1. We adopted our oldest daughter at birth. It was hard to bond while the birth mom still had the option of taking her back (10days) but we loved her the moment we laid eyes on her. It was no different than when we had our natural daughter 5 years later.

  2. One of my best friends married a man who cannot have children. He gave her the options of adoption or IVF through a sperm donor. He basically said it came down to whether she wanted to experience being pregnant or not, because it won’t be his biological child either way but, to him, it’s HIS child and he will love it no matter where it “came from.” She has chosen the sperm donor route and they will begin the process this fall. You can actually bring in photos of the husband from childhood (since they obviously don’t have adult photos of the donors) and try to match them up with donor photos, if you want them to look a little more like the dad-to-be. I think it would be really hard to go either route, personally, but not becaue I wouldn’t love them. I completely agree that you would fall in love with your child no matter what! I think it’s admirable that your friend’s husband is being up front and honest from the get go though, because if he’d held these feelings back, it could’ve been disasterous! I hope they find the answers they are looking for. Perhaps a surrogate? I know that is expensive though. Maybe your friend could somehow connect with some families who have young adopted children and speak with them. I’m sure every adoptive parent has that same thought at one point or another, you know?

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Good point, it’s definitely better that he is up front about his feelings! You never know what the future will bring or how it might change his mind.

  3. My son and his wife went through the Foster Care to Adopt program, and asked to get only a child that had already been released for adoption. Well, since the foster care program is in such great need, they persuaded them to take a 4 yr. old boy last March.
    The day he came, I cried all day long just thinking and wondering how a mom could let her life get into such a mess as to lose her child, and how awful it must be for any child to be taken to strangers to live at this age. I have 2 young grands, and one the same age as this child, and it just tore me up thinking how they would feel being taken away from their home (I don’t have to worry about that at least).
    This child has been with us one year on Sunday. He is precious, loves everybody, and he calls my son and his wife, mama and daddy. The other sad thing is that he had NO ONE in his family to fight for him! No One! And there are other grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.
    The judge ruled just yesterday that he will be up for adoption, and after the next few hearings, things look great enough to say that he will receive our last name.
    We love him, and we treat him just like the others. It’s not like having one to love from birth, but it’s a different kind of love, and for those that really want a child, adoption should be a definite option.
    The hardest thing was explaining to the other 2 grands where he came from. My grandson still wants to know why he didn’t come from my DIL’s belly. LOL

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Thanks for sharing that story–it’s always amazing to hear about foster kids who are adopted. I think it’s definitely a different experience adopting a newborn baby than adopting an older child, but it’s great to hear that he is fitting in so natural in your family. Your son did an amazing thing, giving him a family and a home who cares about him.

  4. I have a friend with two biological children. After she had them, her doctor told her she wasn’t able to have more children or it would end badly for her or the baby. She really would have loved to have more kids. Her husband was adopted though. His parents had tried for years to have children and finally adopted him and then later, his younger sister. A few years later, his mother miraculously got pregnant and ended up having two more children, making four total. He always felt that, because his younger siblings were “miracle babies” and were biologically his parents’ children, he was loved less than they were. He hated the idea of adopting and there being even the possibility of him making a child feel that way since he already had “his own” children. I’ve always thought that he would love those children anyway because that’s the kind of man he is. But because of his childhood experience, he can’t make himself do it. I think that most people would fall in love with their child, regardless of where the child actually came from, but if he is that concerned about it, it’s good that he’s being honest about it with her now.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Interesting–I wonder how it feels to know you are adopted. There must be a whole bunch of feelings that are unresolved to a certain extent.

  5. When I found myself pregnant in HS, the birthfather and I married, we soon separated, divorced, and the BEST decision I’ve EVER made, was to place that sweet baby girl in the loving arms of her mom and dad. They are the best thing for her, and it gave me an opportunity to attend college and meet the man of my dreams. Together we now have three rambunctious boys, but also keep in reasonable contact with that sweet baby girl who is almost 10! Adoption is a beautiful thing. It’s very near and dear to my heart. It was the right choice for me and her parents…she is THEIRS.

    My younger brother and his wife are unable to have children. It breaks my heart, but I think they’re both open to adoption, knowing that there’s a baby that is meant for them.

    I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but it was the right choice for me and again, it was a beautiful blessing in my life, my baby’s, and her families.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      That’s amazing, good for you for making that sacrifice for your baby girl. I’m sure that was a very difficult thing to do!

  6. As an adopted child with an adopted brother and an adopted sister I know our parents love each of us as their own-because we are theirs. We may have been born to different people but that’s just how it was meant to be. I could not have asked for a more loving set of parents and am so thankful that they were willing to adopt and take me into their home as their child. I cannot say if they were worried they wouldn’t love us or not. I do know that they were only caring for me at first and loved me so much that they pushed for adoption and the day I became legally theirs we all were so happy. It worked out well enough with my older brother that they went through it 2 more times for my sister and I. I have a couple friends who were also adopted and I know their parents have felt the same way about them. 🙂

  7. My husband and I are unable to have biological children are are currently in the process of adopting through foster care. I can only speculate at this point what it will be like when we do have a child placed with us. Right now it is starting to feel more real, but still has that “im just dreaming, its never going to happen for me” feeling. It has been harder for my husband to come around to the idea of “loving a child who isnt biologically mine” then it has been for me, but i think that is because i have always felt like i would not be able to have my own kids. I think i subconsciously prepared myself for this process for a long time. I know what kind of person i am and i can not see myself not falling in love with our child quickly. It will be hard, especially if the child is not legally free and still has the chance to go back to the birth family, however small it may be at that point. I am hoping our experience will be positive and go smoothly. In a way im kind of glad i do not have a biological birthing experience to compare it to.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Seems to be more of the husbands who have this fear, maybe because they don’t have that innate nurturing sense like women do. Women see a baby or child in need and just WANT to do everything we can to help, and love just happens.

  8. I don’t have any personal experience with adoption nor have I ever really thought about what it would be like to adopt, I’ve been blessed with two sweet boys. But I’m totally with you, when my second one came along I didn’t have that instant bond with him, and I felt so guilty for it. Of course it passed quickly and I love him so much and couldn’t imagine life without him, but it’s nice to hear that the same thing has happened to other mothers.

  9. My father died before I was born, and my mother met my “dad” when I was 18 months old. They married when i was 2 and he adopted me right after. After my brother and sister were born, we were a family and I never felt any difference in his treatment of me versus them. However, when I turned 13 and began spending time with my grandmother, mother of my biological father, things took a turn. I don’t think she intentionally meant to drive a wedge but her comments about me not being “his” daughter began to open a wound I didn’t know I had. After some typical teenage tantrums about him not loving me as much as “his” kids, he sat me down and said something that I have never forgotten. He said “I love you even though my blood doesn’t run through you. I chose you.” For me – that meant everything. After all, you are stuck with the ones you have! However, when you get to choose, well – don’t you pick what you really want?
    Anyway – it was the perfect thing to say to a dumb teenager. And I have never forgotten that I was “chosen”.

    I will never have a conversation with my real father. I will never know if he laughs the same way I do or if my love of candy comes from him. Those things I can handle. Going through life without a father – that would have been horrible. I think anyone that chooses to adopt makes more of a difference than they will ever know.

  10. I am the mother of 3 kids–one biological and two adopted. I can say that I have loved each of my children since the day I found out about them. (When I found out I was pregnant with our daughter and when I got phone calls about our boys.) And I do not love any of them more or less than the other. I love them differently because they are different and each child should be loved in a way that’s right for them, but I love them equally. 🙂

    As for having to give babies back to their mothers–I’ve done that and it just sucks. Plain and simple. It was the hardest thing I’ll ever, ever have to do. And I will never understand why we had to go through that. BUT I can say that it made me more empathetic. It made me a much stronger person.

    Almost all adoptions are iffy–there are very few situations where both birth parents sign the paperwork to terminate their parental rights–but it’s a risk many are willing to take. Each state has different laws, but once the waiting period has passed (10 days in my state), birth parents can’t “get the child back.” (In the instances this does happen, there was some sort of issue beforehand.)

    I have been so amazingly blessed my adoption. My life is so much better because of it! Your friend’s husband should talk to adoptive parents and ask lots of questions! I know most people would be thrilled to help out!

  11. My husband and I are adopting our first child internationally. Our program requires that we go to the country, meet him and then leave him until the US embassy clears us to bring him home. We received our referral for our son on December 2, and it was definitely love at first sight. When we met our son on March 3, it was like our hearts were already knit together. I ache for this sweet boy that has my heart and that I know will be in our home soon. Hopefully we will get clearance to bring him home forever in the next few months. Until then, I just recall all of the time we spent together and look at all the pictures! I am so thankful for adoption and an advocate for waiting children who need families, not institutions. Adoption is a blessing as a parent!

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Yes, I think so too! Good luck to you and your family!

  12. Wow, I think I could actually write a book about this, but I’ll **TRY** to keep it short.
    I was diagnosed with POF at the age of about 22, which means the possibility of having a biological child was extremely slim to none. After going through a lot of tests and what not with a fertility clinic we came to a cross road. 1. We try IVF. 2. Adoption 3. All the other options (surrogate, etc.)
    1. IVF was just not for me. I have anxiety issues as it is and I just knew myself. I knew that I couldn’t go through it all. If I did go through it, and by some miraculous chance it did work and by some other miraculous chance I was able to carry to full term, I just knew that I’d be a wreck after it was all said and done. I knew I might possibly have a baby but then I’d be a crazy mom.
    2. Adoption. My husband and I were so very blessed that this decision came so easy to us. I remember driving back from the doctors and weighing all the options and we were both “okay, adoption it is.”

    Then came the heartache. To actually realize what adopting a baby is like is the worst thing ever. And I thought IVF was going to make me insane.

    Fast forward about 2 years later and we stumbled upon “foster to adopt”. That’s a whole other story right there.

    But that’s how we have adopted our 2 amazing boys. We adopted them through the Foster program. It was not an easy process. But let me tell you that those 2 boys couldn’t be more ours if they were in my womb. Their personalities, their looks, their mannerisms. This puts into question “genetics vs. environment” bc people are astonished when they find out that they aren’t our biological children. From the moment I had those boys in my arms it was instant love. It was more of a matter of me worrying THEY wouldn’t love me as much. I never had the thought I wouldn’t love them. I’ve never been scared that I treat them different…it’s always been…WILL THEY LOVE ME AS MUCH as a biological mother.

    Adoption was a brand new thing in both of our families. Not one single member of our family had had any dealings with adoption. My kids were the 1st grand-kids for my parents, but the umpteenth for my husbands parents. It was very new for them and I think they had a little bit of a harder time with it at first. Since us, another of their kids has had fertility issues and have also adopted 2 children. So they now have 4 adopted grand-kids, but there is no difference at all.

    We were blessed to have had to go through this trial bc without it we wouldn’t have our boys.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Thanks for sharing your personal story–It was inspirational to me.

  13. My husband & I had a biological child easily and then tried for #2 and couldn’t get pregnant. It took 4-1/2 years of fertility treatments before my husband was open to the idea of adoption. My husband had a very strong fear that he would never love an adopted child the same way we love our biological daughter. My husband expressed this to our case worker (who is the same faith as us) and the very wise case worker told him that all children are Children of our Heavenly Father who are given to us to protect and raise but they are not OURS alone…they are on loan to us. This child that we were considering adopting was no less ours then our biological child, she just came to us through a different path. Her Birth Mom & Us were sent to each other to answer the prayers of each other. We now have 2 beautiful daughters and we are amazing friends with our daughters birth mom. I see so much strength in her with her choice to place. I don’t know if my story will help at all, but I love adoption and through adoption our family is complete. I couldn’t ask for more.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      That’s a really good way to look at it–I’ve often thought the same thing, that my children are not really MINE, and I need to remember to treat them as children of God (not that I’m trying to treat them badly–you know what I mean.) Glad to hear it went well for you!

  14. Heidi, I’m adopted. It was a planned closed adoption. The OB-GYN who delivered me (my biological mother’s doctor) was/is a close friend of my parents. My mom had 7 miscarriages in a row. In the early 80s there wasn’t much treatment available at the time. So they contacted a lawyer and set everything up. I have known all along that I was adopted, and I never felt different and my parents loved me as if I was their own biological child.

    Now, at age 30, I find myself wondering if I have brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, etc. I wonder about health concerns, with my mom battling stage 4 breast cancer currently. To me being adopted was no different than if I was their biological child. In Christmas card, the OBs wife will send me little tidbits about my biological mother. We have basic health things about both biological sides, like height/weight/hair color/allergies/family medical history, but I never found myself feeling I didn’t belong or feeling like I wasn’t loved. My biological mother gave me an opportunity of a life time and gave herself probably the same, I’d like to think. I pray for her daily and thank God for her. She gave my parents what they couldn’t have naturally. She is a blessing in my eyes.

  15. Anybody who thinks they “won’t be able to love” someone, whether it’s their natural child or not, like that husband you were referring to, has apparently forgotten that love is not a matter of taste. It’s a choice. We have our own choice to love someone as much as we love anyone else. No question that it’s harder to love some people than it is to love others. But that does not mean it can’t be done, and if we choose to, we will eventually love that person as much as we love anybody else. This is all proven by the fact that God and His Son do it, and They can help us do it also.

  16. Paula Chaffin says:

    We adopted our daughter at the age of four from Russia. Our boys were eleven and fourteen at the time. They/we love her unconditionally. I always had to catch myself at her pediatricians office with comparing her childhood to mine. The doctor even thought that her migraines were from me and then he remembered that she was adopted. We forget that she is not our biological child and treat her just like we did our boys. She is now eighteen and the princess that we always longed for.
    During this past year, we were able, by the grace of God, to find her paternal grandmother in Russia. We correspond and send pictures back and forth. We found out that Olevia looked exactly like her birth father and and that he had passed away. She feels a connection with Grandma Zoya but not her birth mother, interesting. We are traveling there next summer to visit Grandma Zoya.

  17. You probably won’t even read this, this post was a week ago and is now behind others, but you know I have to say something 🙂 Sorry it took so long, we’ve been dealing with G’s skin issues and then went out of town to spend a few days with B’s birth family.

    Heidi knows this, but for others reading this comment I have a son B who is 23 mos old and joined our family through adoption, and another son G who is 7 mos old who I gave birth to.

    First off – I think you are right, bonding with a baby that becomes yours through adoption similar to a baby you’ve given birth to. For both the connection comes sometimes immediately and sometimes takes a while. For me, I noticed a couple a differences between my boy’s births. With both the connection was immediate, I recognized them from another life. With B, the connection was intensely spiritual, the entire time at the hospital I swear angels were singing in the background and the earth moved. With G, I felt a little let down when I didn’t experience the same thing. It took me a bit to realize that I didn’t get it because it wasn’t needed. With one I had physical evidence, with the other I needed spiritual to make up for the lack of physical, and God gave me what I needed. that said, I know other adoptive families who did take longer to feel that same connection, and that’s okay too. I think you get what you need.

    Second – I think it’s awesome that your friend’s husband recognizes his limitations and is not willing to jump on the adoption bandwagon immediately. That probably sounds strange coming from someone like me who is so pro-adoption, but adoption is not for everyone and that’s okay. Adoption is a serious event. It is not something you can throw on your bucket list or immediately do because children another way isn’t an option. Adoption is hard, even the simplest adoptions can be hard, let alone those with complications. You have to be ready for it. I hope your friends husband comes to realize that he can love a child with no biological connection, after all, his wife isn’t blood related to him and he loves her more than anyone. But I also hope if they decide on adoption they do it carefully, because to endure the adoption path you have to be committed and have a knowledge/testimony/gut feeling/response to prayer/something that will hold you up through it. That said, adoption was the greatest miracle of our lives and I am forever grateful for it. I know my son B is my son just as I know G is my son. I know they were meant to be brothers.

    Adoption is not for everyone. But when it is right it is an amazing miracle. hands down best ever.

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