That is second nature to a mother. Really it is to everyone, but as a mother, it takes new meaning. And today’s society makes it even more prevalent, with the ability to peek into the lives of others, as we surf the internet, read blogs, Twitter, and Facebook.
It’s so easy to read a few blog posts and think, “Here I am, sitting in my pjs at 2 PM, while there is pb&j crusts on the table, crumbs all over the kitchen floor, toys all over the family room…staring at the blog of a woman with a beautiful house, perfect outfit, showing her latest completely amazing craft.” And then proceed to feel like crap.
Why can’t I be more put together?
Why does it take hours of working out and dieting to even lose one little pound off the muffin top when this girl here looks like she could eat ice cream all day and never have love handles?
Why is my house continually a mess and I never have the energy or desire to clean it?
Why aren’t my kids outside getting exercise or doing some educational craft instead of staring blankly at the TV?
Why can’t I seem to shower before 11 am, ever?
And if I can’t even get these things together, how on earth am I ever going to have time to have the perfect white house with ruffled pillows?
And I find myself reading fewer blogs, because it’s too easy to get caught up in the depressing comparison black hole. There’s a fine line between wanting to be inspired and wanting to kill yourself because you aren’t as awesome as So-and-So. So I’m a blogger who rarely reads blogs. A little hypocritical, I know. But I can’t overwhelm myself in the blog world for this very reason.
And being pregnant and having -1 desire/energy to be a good mom/homemaker/wife/crafter/blogger makes it even worse. It’s very frustrating that just this morning I finally had the energy to work on my couch slipcover (and yes my house was still a mess which it frequently is because let’s face it, cleaning the house with little kids is like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing) I was suddenly overcome with a horrible dizzy fainting spell. I threw up twice and now I sit, in my pjs at 3 pm, confined to my bed while tons of stuff remains to be done. If any comparison is to be done now, I am going to come out completely on the bottom.
I’ve already confessed my complete and utter imperfection to you, you all know the truth. But you may not know that I also suffer from feelings of inadequacy from time to time. I feel sad sometimes that I’m not more creative and accomplish more so that you all can benefit from cool tutorials. I wish I had the time and energy to put forth in my business to really see it flourish as I see it in my mind. I am completely and utterly tired of living in this dumpy and disgusting apartment where every square foot of the carpet is worn or stained and all of our hud is causing it to burst at the seams. And I feel trapped here. This apartment makes me claustraphobic.
But I Have So Much…
So I shut the computer, take a deep breath, and realize that I have so much to be thankful for in my life. The toys on the floor remind me that I have beautiful and healthy children who enjoy playing at home. The heat outside reminds me that I am thankful to have a roof over my head and air conditioning protecting me. The dirty socks on the floor remind me that I have a husband who would pick those socks up if he wasn’t so tired from working so hard each day. The cabinet bursting with craft supplies remind me that I have been blessed with talents to create something from nothing. The nausea that I feel reminds me that I am growing a human person inside of me. And the love handles remind me that I have never wanted for enough to eat.
I have to turn off the computer sometimes to pull myself out of the black hole. But when I turn it back on, I always try harder to not feel inadequate and be awesome instead.