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She would have been 34 today.

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Today I can’t deny that my heart hurts.  Actually my heart hurts every single day still, but it’s weighing heavier today.

Alice would have been 34 today.

These are the flowers from her funeral that we saved and dried.

I still can’t believe she’s gone.  And I find that with each passing day I don’t feel the pain lessen and I don’t come closer to accepting it.  It is almost the opposite.  I feel angry that this had to happen, that we all have to live the rest of our earthly life without this wonderful and perfect friend, mother, sister, daughter, and wife.  And that we are all powerless to do a thing except wander around in the dark, trying to feel our way back to normal.

People frequently ask me how my brother is doing.  Here’s the answer:  If your spouse died after 5 years of marriage, 9 years of friendship, and the birth of three children with absolutely no warning…how would YOU be doing?

I don’t dwell on the sadness, to the best of my ability.  But in quiet moments a single thought can bring me right back to to the day she died and the pain is just as real and fresh as it was back then.  The phrase should not be “Time heals all wounds.”  it should be “a LOT of time can make the pain a little bit less.”  because it’s going to take a LOT of time to make any of us feel a little better.

And I added this quote that I recently heard at church that I loved. Alice lived her life this way and would want us to all live this way.

My brother Brian said, “Alice was too perfect for this world.”  It’s true.  It’s hard to admit that she really was so close to perfection when so many of us are so far away.  Now she is serving people beyond the grave and guiding new little souls to our family on Earth.  And I know that she is with her baby girl every second she can be.  We have often remarked on how easy going and happy Baby F is and are positive that it’s because she has her Mama right there with her all the time.

E and F

We still miss her so very much.

Happy Birthday, Alice.


  1. I’m so sorry Heidi. Her death is so heartbreaking. I’m thinking of you and your brother’s family today.

  2. Well Happy Birthday to that perfect soul in heaven. I send you and your family many internet hugs. Thanks for sharing the picture of those precious babies. They definitely turn a frown upside down. 🙂

  3. I wish there was something I could say or do, but I’m afraid I don’t know the right words to comfort in such a case as his. I truly ache for your loss and wish you all the best.

    Have you ever read the book, “Tear Soup”? It is the most amazing book I have ever read concerning grief. You can find it on Amazon. It lets you know that there isn’t a certain time table for grief, that everyone grieves differently and that’s okay. I highly recommend it. I so enjoy your blog and hope that you continue to find peace and healing, especially in this difficult time.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Thanks for the recommendation Ashley. I’ll have to check it out.

  4. There really are no words adequate to express how sorry I am for your loss. It just doesn’t feel fair at all, especially for your brother and those precious babies. Sending positive, healing energy to all.


  5. I’m so very, truly sorry. You are right: time doesn’t heal wounds, but after a very, very long time it might make it hurt just a tad bit less.
    I lost my son last year to heart defects and it doesn’t get easier per say, just it hurts a little less, very slowly.
    Be gentle, you are loved, and she will never be forgotten.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      So sorry, Ruth. My heart aches for you.

  6. nancy mcmahan says:

    So sorry for your families loss. You are right about it taking a very long time. For three years I could not say my sisters name with out crying. Now 5 years have gone by and I can say her name and not cry but still have that awful pain in my heart. Know that it gets slowly better. My heart goes out to you.

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      I’m so sorry for your own loss. I can’t imagine how painful it would be to lose my blood sister since it has been hell to lose my sister in law.

  7. Paula Chaffin says:

    This breaks my heart! Every time I read your blog I think of your brother and their children. Praying for you all!

  8. I’m so sorry. Life is so painful sometimes. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  9. We are still praying for you and your family. You can be reasured that Alice will never be forgotten, all you have to do is to look into the eyes of the children. God bless.. Children can move mountains.

  10. I’m so sorry about your and your family’s tremendous loss of Alice. I think about your brother and his children often. You have every right to feel angry. It’s not the way life is supposed to work: the old are supposed to die, after living a full life, not the young and healthy who are just starting theirs. It is incredibly unfair. Anger is part of the grief/ healing process though. The pain will never go away, but time WILL dull it. Thankfully you and your family seem like such faith-filled people and know that death is just a temporary separation, and that you’ll all be reunited again. I pray that with the support of each other your family will be healed, and that your brother and his beautiful children find strength and peace

  11. Thank you for that nice birthday post! I hadn’t seen that picture of F until just now, her smile is really coming out! Last week, in attending an excellent Education Week class taught by Dennis and Joyce Ashton on dealing with tragedy and grieving, they mentioned an observation that the pain is not lessened, but its frequency is. I have found the pain when I think of Alice is in some ways even more intense and filled with despair, but the frequency of its impact is overall a little less. I also want people to know that the pain is not ultimately a bad thing–it is a sign of love and the red badge reminder is a wonderful reminder. Pretty much the only thing that gets me moving forward with even a hint of positive motion is thinking of Alice and who and what she is doing NOW, not who she was and the dreams we had. Alice is smiling now, with a tear behind the smile, but her smile is as big as it ever was…she certainly laughs her contagious, infectious and boisterous laugh to this day. She grieves with us, but somehow has a significantly better perspective about why this happened than we do. Can we believe in that? Ugh. I’m trying. Today was certainly better than the last 3 days.

  12. I just found your blog today and have been reading your posts about Alice. My heart is broken for you, and everyone that loves Alice. Sadly, I am also in the group of people who have lost, and my loss was very similar to yours. Three years ago, my sister passed away unexpectedly during childbirth. She had eclampsia, which lead to a blood clotting issue as well. Her baby miraculously survived, but my sister didn’t make it long enough to hold or see the baby. The past three years have been full of heartache and grief, and so much love and support from friends and family. I will never understand why this had to happen, but I am trying to continue to have faith in God’s plan. Know that you are thought of and certainly not alone! Wish I could give u a big hug, even if I am a complete stranger! Tears and prayers for your family!!

    1. Heidi @ Honeybear Lane says:

      Your story moved me, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s especially sad that she never held her baby. But I’m sure that she was with her baby in spirit and will be reunited with all of you someday.

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