Today I can’t deny that my heart hurts. Actually my heart hurts every single day still, but it’s weighing heavier today.
Alice would have been 34 today.
These are the flowers from her funeral that we saved and dried.
I still can’t believe she’s gone. And I find that with each passing day I don’t feel the pain lessen and I don’t come closer to accepting it. It is almost the opposite. I feel angry that this had to happen, that we all have to live the rest of our earthly life without this wonderful and perfect friend, mother, sister, daughter, and wife. And that we are all powerless to do a thing except wander around in the dark, trying to feel our way back to normal.
People frequently ask me how my brother is doing. Here’s the answer: If your spouse died after 5 years of marriage, 9 years of friendship, and the birth of three children with absolutely no warning…how would YOU be doing?
I don’t dwell on the sadness, to the best of my ability. But in quiet moments a single thought can bring me right back to to the day she died and the pain is just as real and fresh as it was back then. The phrase should not be “Time heals all wounds.” it should be “a LOT of time can make the pain a little bit less.” because it’s going to take a LOT of time to make any of us feel a little better.
And I added this quote that I recently heard at church that I loved. Alice lived her life this way and would want us to all live this way.
My brother Brian said, “Alice was too perfect for this world.” It’s true. It’s hard to admit that she really was so close to perfection when so many of us are so far away. Now she is serving people beyond the grave and guiding new little souls to our family on Earth. And I know that she is with her baby girl every second she can be. We have often remarked on how easy going and happy Baby F is and are positive that it’s because she has her Mama right there with her all the time.
We still miss her so very much.
Happy Birthday, Alice.